Snarks ~ Getting Laid

I apologize in advance to all my fellow perverts who thought this post would be about sex. It is not. It is a Grammar Nazi Rant because I absolutely must. I roll my eyes, so fucking hard, every time I hear this travesty of language that I fear those orbs will pop out of their sockets. Thus, I must raise the lid off my steaming pot. (That is not a euphemism for sex.) (OK, it could be, but it's not this time. Focus, people!)

The word "lay," as defined by Wiktionary and every sane and rational individual ever, means:

 "To place down in a position of rest, or in a horizontal position."

The site further provides the following example of the proper usage of this transitive verb:

"...to lay a body in the grave..."

Which is exactly what I want to do when I hear folks say shit like, "I'm going to lay down." Is that so? Oh, you mean you're going to lie down? Well, then, fucking say that. Because Wiktionary confirms that the word "lie" means:

"To rest in a horizontal position on a surface."

My guess is some people remember that kiddie prayer from way-back-when which starts,

"Now I lay me down to sleep..."

But check it: in that sentence, I lay me down. I place myself down in a position of rest, or in a horizontal position. Thus, that usage works. The other crap doesn't.

Even the expression "getting laid" works, if you're using it to describe the act of some other lucky person placing you in a horizontal position for purposes of sexual intercourse. Presumably, if one readily, frequently, and indiscriminately permits oneself to be placed in a horizontal position for purposes of sexual intercourse, one might be considered an "easy lay" (but not by me, 'cause I don't judge). (Much.) (Nah, J/K. To each, her/his own.) (Except when it comes to grammar, in which case you'd better toe the goddamn line.)

So no, you weren't laying down on the couch, you were lying down. But you did lay your fork down on the table when you were done eating that lasagne. (You know, assuming you were using a fork.) (And if you weren't—ick.)

For a more comprehensive, and far less rabid, take on the matter, click here. Or just take my word for it. Whatever you do, do not get these wrong if you've a pedant like me in your vicinity, as the poor unfortunate may lose control and...I shudder to think what might happen.

::shudders::

Snarks ~ Pronouns Gone Rogue

NB: I write this blog post by hand as I sit in JFK airport's Terminal 1, awaiting my Kid's return flight from his big Russian adventure. I'm totally freaked out by flying and, therefore, anxiously praying for my son's safe arrival. The criminal grammatical offense against which I'm preparing to rail makes me very cranky. Anxious + Cranky = Bitchfest of Biblical Proportions. If you happen to be guilty of this gross malfeasance, do not take my condemnation personally—simply repent and resolve to sin no more. And maybe offer a prayer/sacrifice to your deity of choice in thanks for that fact that I'm not PMS-ing as well.

The heinous crime against grammar: using plural pronouns to refer back to singular nouns or noun phrases.

First, a bit of review:

A pronoun takes the place of a noun, or a noun phrase, yeah? (Yeah.)

Cat (singular noun) -> he/she/it (singular pronouns)
A black cat (singular noun phrase) -> he/she/it (singular pronouns)
Cats (plural noun & long-running musical) -> they/them (plural pronouns)
Those black cats (plural noun phrase) -> they/them (plural pronouns)

If you wish to use the above nouns/pronouns correctly, your pronouns must agree with your nouns or noun phrases. Which is to say, you must use a singular pronoun with a singular noun, and a plural pronoun with a plural noun.

Correct singular noun phrase sentence:

If a black cat crosses a road at night, it might get run over.

Correct plural noun phrase sentence:

If those black cats cross a road at night, they might get run over.

With this in mind, can you identify what's wrong with the following sentence?

If a black cat crosses the road at night, they might get run over.

What's wrong is that the plural pronoun (they) doesn't agree with the singular noun phrase (a black cat). Also, the cat's owner is clearly irresponsible and should take pains to secure it for the evening.

That one was easy, right? Sure it was. Now that your confidence has been bolstered by one successful exercise, let's try another.

What's wrong with this sentence?

1. If a guy buys you something expensive, they must've done something wrong.

Well, apart from the rather cynical viewpoint, the plural pronoun (they) disagrees with the singular noun phrase (a guy).

What's wrong with this one?

2. When a woman goes shoe shopping, you won't hear from them for hours.

Besides being a sexist stereotype, the sentence once again features a plural pronoun (them) that doesn't agree with the singular noun phrase (a woman).

Can you see what's wrong with this one?

3. Sometimes, a person needs to hear that they are loved.

The problem isn't that the person in question is overly clingy from lack of attention when in the cradle, but that the damned plural pronoun (they) is pissed off at the bloody singular noun (a person).

Not to put too fine a point on it, but plural pronouns do not fucking get along with singular nouns/noun phrases. They just don't. Think of them as being locked in a blood feud, OK? Think of plural pronouns as the goddamn Montagues and singular nouns/noun phrases as the motherfucking Capulets if it helps—the bottom line is that they don't go together like rama lama lama, ka-ding-a-da ding-de-dong.

In the first two sentences, the following pronouns should have been used:

1. If a guy buys you something expensive, he must have done something wrong.

2. When a woman goes shoe shopping, you won't hear from her for hours.

Sure, they're still cynical and sexist, but at least they're grammatically correct, for fuck's sake.

Example #3 can be tricky for some, in this modern, politically correct era, 'cause folks crap their pants at the thought of favoring one sex over the other. Funk that noise. if you know that the person in #3 is a man, it's perfectly acceptable to use "he," and if it's a woman, use "she." But if you don't know the sex of the person in question, the following options work within the bounds of all that is right and proper in Grammar Land, and all convey the same basic concept:

Sometimes, a person needs to hear that he or she is loved.
Sometimes, you need to hear that you are loved.
Sometimes, people need to hear that they are loved.

Whew! All that ranting exhausted me. Yet there's one more scenario which desperately needs addressing. Take a look at this last example, and mind where you tread, for the terrain is deceptive:

Everybody likes to solve a problem for themselves.

First, there are plenty of lazy people in the world (of which I am one), who don't want to do a damned thing, if it can be avoided. Second, the words everybody and themselves are pronouns. In this sentence, themselves refers back to everybody BUT themselves is plural and everybody is singular. No, I'm not high. (If only!) I know the "every" part can throw people off, but it's still just one singular "body." Not one singular person, but a singular body of people.

I know. It's like you just swallowed the red pill, isn't it? You'll be OK. Take a moment to recover.

Other pronouns which seem plural but are actually singular include:

• Anybody, Anyone
• Everyone
• Nobody
• Somebody, Someone

More indefinite pronouns like these exist, but you're probably a bit dizzy right now, so rather than enumerate them, I'll give you some options for expressing that last example correctly:

One likes to solve a problem for oneself.
You like to solve a problem for yourself.
People like to solve problems for themselves.

If you don't buy what I'm selling, you're welcome to check the following links to see if these cats back me up. (They totally do.)

• Get It Write: Singular Indefinite Pronouns: Part I
• Pronouns: Agreement with Antecedent
• Look! It's a List of Pronouns!

Well, peeps, the eagle has landed, and I'm now trembling with rage, so I'd better bugger off. Thank you for flying Groovy Grammar Airlines. Please accept my best wishes for a pleasurable stay.

Snarks ~ Happy Belated Birthday!

Your BFF since third grade forgot to commemorate the anniversary of the most blessed date of your birth (in spite of the fact that all 300 of your mutual friends on Facebook totally remembered and posted on your Timeline, which would've most likely turned up on her newsfeed, but whatevs). Three days later, she's scrolling through her Facebook newsfeed and chokes on her half decaf, half regular, one-pump sugar-free vanilla syrup, soy milk latte as the horrid realization strikes. Then she makes haste to your Timeline and posts, "Happy Belated Birthday!"

With all due respect, your friend should be eviscerated for her thoughtlessness.

It's not with her thoughtlessness in missing the day that I take issue (though you may, of course), but with her usage of that God-awful, grammatically incorrect phrase.

Let's take a look at "Happy Belated Birthday!"

What, exactly, "be late" in this scenario? Your birthday? Well, maybe—if something screwy went down with the space-time continuum, and the flux capacitors got all wonky, and time warped to send you your birthday a few days after it should have, by all rights, arrived. But we all know that's not what happened. (Probably.) What happened was that your "friend" had her head up her ass and it's her wish for your happiness on your birthday that was late, not your actual birthday. (Probably.)

So what should she have posted? "Please excuse me having my head up my ass and accept my belated wishes for a very Happy Birthday!" Or, "Belated Happy Birthday wishes to you!" Or, if she simply wanted to show that she cared, (which she obviously didn't, else she wouldn't have missed it), but was in a hurry, "Belated Happy Birthday!"

Because you've probably heard/read the incorrect version SO MANY TIMES, wishing someone a "Belated Happy Birthday!" may seem wrong, even unnatural, to you. I understand. Change can be difficult, even when it's correct. Reassure yourself of the righteousness in wishing someone a "Belated Happy Birthday!" by clicking here, or here, or here.

Feel better now? Good. So do I.

Edited to add: this was totally a hypothetical situation. Also, my birthday's December 21, and I appreciate gifts of gold, Lindt Hazelnut Truffles, and gerbera daisies. ;-)

Snarks ~ There's Not Chairs!

"Snarks" is another new feature I'm bringing to my bloggy-blog—it's basically my chosen monthly moment to bitch about stuff that irks me. (Yes, I wrote, "monthly." Make of that what you will.)

The title for this post comes from a sentence once thoughtlessly uttered in my presence: "There's chairs over there."

No.

What's wrong with this sentence, people? Let's break apart that first word, "there's." It is the word "there" with an apostrophe and an "s." There are two very basic and common uses for the apostrophe in the English language:

1. To show possession
2. To show omission (as in the case of contractions)

I believe the speaker intended the second thing; that is to say, she meant the contraction for "there is."

This would have been fine if the rest of the sentence had been, "...a chair over there." Breaking it down, what she actually said was, "There is chairs over there."

No. No no no no no. There's NOT chairs  over there. Trust me on this.

"There are  chairs over there," yes.

"There is  chairs over there," no.

NO, DAMN IT.

Gah, you hear this sloppy English all the time, everywhere—sales people do it, politicians do it, even writers and educators  do it! It's uttered on the news, for pity's sake! THE NEWS!  It's so pervasive that people default to it unwittingly.

Well, stop it.

There's another mistaken use of the apostrophe + s, which is a perverted attempt at pluralization that also pisses me off. Banana's, nut's, or chocolate's = wrong. Bananas, nuts, or chocolates = right (oh, so deliciously right!).  See what I did there? I magically multiplied the number of comestibles without abusing any apostrophes. (And not apostrophe's, for the love of all that's holy.)

To see more shocking examples of maltreated apostrophes, check out the Apostrophe Catastrophes blog, if you can bear such horrors.

And if you need a bit of help sorting out other apostrophe uses in this hellish era, check out this nifty little number:

Or take a look at Grammar Girl's essay on the apostrophe here.

Come on, folks—let us all fight the good fight. BE the change you want to see in the world. We can make it a better place, one well-placed apostrophe at a time.