New Specs!

My 2010 Specs

I got some time off around the December holidays and didn't have to report back for the day job till Monday, January 4, 2016. On Sunday I started tensing up and growing anxious about going back to work the next day. By the early evening I had a headache. Around 8 o'clock I noticed lights flashing in my peripheral view, in my right eye. Sort of like a bunch of paparazzi had shrunk themselves into a submarine (which'd been shrunk first, obvi) and were then injected in me, only to wind up behind my eyeball and go to town with their cameras as though Beyoncé, Jay Z, and baby Blue Ivy had just taken residence there.

An old broad wearing her old specs.

This has happened before, over the course of my adulthood (such as it is), but not frequently. I wasn't clear on what caused it, but as I'd been more regular about my eye exams and no doctor had predicted my doom, I reckoned it was no big deal. Now, though, I realized it'd been a few years since my last exam (in point of fact, it'd been OVER FIVE YEARS) (tsk). So I made an appointment with some doc at some joint near my place of employ and brooded over whether these folks'd make me get my eyes dilated (which I hate) or if they had that machine that takes a pic of the inside of your eye and could work from that alone.

The thing is that my eyes are already sensitive to light. With the pupils widened, for HOURS, I'm extremely uncomfortable—disoriented, even. Last time my eyes'd been dilated was YEARS ago, on a blindingly sunny day. Even with sunglasses on, I was miserable. (Well, more miserable than usual.) I found myself walking to the bus stop with super-slow comical caution, lest I wind up stepping into the street and getting run over. Took me forever to get home.

So yeah, they had that piccie-taking machine but, yeah, after the doc heard the main reason that'd brought me to her examination room, she encouraged me to consider getting dilated anyway (the cost of which was already included in the exam and covered by my insurance) and she could then follow-up with piccie-device if I wanted (which I did, though that was not covered). Whatevs—I did both things and was relieved to learn that all was well. Doc diagnosed ocular migraine (which surprised, as I do get headaches with weather changes and whatnot, but I wouldn't say they're bad enough to qualify as migraines). Since my prescription changed from the previous one, she recommended I order anti-glare whatsit for the lenses of my new specs, what with my vampire-like abhorrence of (sun)light and ocular migraines and shit. (I'm paraphrasing.)

I did that and as I headed for the subway to get myself home I patted myself on the back for having scheduled the appointment so late in the day that it was night and so not as hard on me as daylight would've been. Still, I felt a bit weird as I stood on the platform awaiting the 1 train, as even the dim light down there bothered me a little. The train was going to be a bit so I texted My Dear Friend Nikki.

Me: Had an eye exam, had to get pupils dilated. Opium eaters would envy my look right now. Ugh.
Nikki: Aw...I bet you look like those big eyed paintings of little kids.
Me: I DO!!!!!
Nikki: You should take a selfie

So I did.

I looked like a motherfucking vampire, for realz. (Rawr.)

When I got to Grand Central Terminal there were some cops chillin' by the Shuttle exit, doing bag checks. I thought, "Great, this will be the time they pull me aside to check out my shit, all because of my weirdly doped-up pupils." But they didn't. Which, in hindsight (haha, geddit, hindsight?), is a bit of a shame, 'cause that'd improved this story by, like, a zillion percent. I mean, I could make some shit up, but that's not my style.

Anyway, made it home all right and got my new specs about a week later. The attendant at the eye shop cautioned me that it might take some time to adjust to the new Rx, which every attendant has always told me upon delivery of a new pair of glasses, and I'd never had to "adjust." I did this time, though! It was weird to feel eye fatigue for a few hours on the first couple of days I wore them, but adjust I did and I kinda dig 'em. Not sure if the anti-glare stuff's really made much of a difference, though...

Contrasting the old with the new. What a difference 5 years makes!

They feel fine on, but dang, they look HUGE on my face!

Don't they???

Yep, still seem mighty large, to me...

Whadda y'all think?

Eye-yai-yai!

For this episode of "What about luuurve?" (or, my feature on topics relating to the science behind love), let's take a look at our eyes. I don't mean, like, in the mirror or anything. I mean, let's check out how the eyes figure into the science of attraction and whatnot.

Our eyes both pick up on information and communicate it (this last bit, often without our conscious knowledge). Specifically, our pupils are the actual windows to our souls, and those suckers dilate (get bigger/wider) when there's information before us which we deem of great import. This can be because of something good ("That dude's HAWT!") or bad ("Holy shit, is that a freakin' bear?!"). The wider the pupil, the more information gets through to our little gray cells, the faster our little gray cells can tell us to run (whether to or from the source of the stimulus will, of course, vary, depending upon the info received). (Presumably.)

As regards the "something good," if we're talking about a possible future lover/mate/spouse, when our pupils widen to take her/him in, areas of our brain which respond to dopamine get very active, probably 'cause our little gray cells want us to get a move on and take action on the attraction, already.

Interestingly, the sexes have somewhat differing perceptions of widened pupils in the objects of their respective affections. Hetero dudes think chicks with big pupils are hawt because:

a) they interpret that wide-pupil gaze as sexual interest in them, specifically, and
b) they (unconsciously) reckon that this sexual interest is due to the chick ovulating ('cause, like, menfolk have that biological imperative to spread their seed far and wide, yo). (Hey, I don't make this stuff up, I just report it, OK?) (Sheesh.)

By Greyson Orlando (Own work)
[Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Medieval Italian babes intuitively picked up on this and used belladonna to widen their pupes, thus increasing their pulling power. (This method's not recommended, as belladonna's toxic like Britney.)

Hetero chicks' responses to dude's pupil size will vary, based on what it is they're actively seeking. If a gal wants a steady, long-term, relationship, she'll prefer a dude with medium-sized pupils. But if all she wants is a bit of short-term fun, then larger pupils will float the little man in her boat. Apparently, wide pupils in a male indicate a potentially overwhelming sexual desire that can lead to aggressive, even violent, behavior (which, while undesirable in a long-term relationship, may explain the mystifying attraction some gals feel for so-called "bad boys"). Anyway, them mid-sized pupes demonstrate a safer level of interest. (Curiously, biology can trump this thought process when a chick's ovulating—at that point in her monthly cycle, it seems a woman's held hostage to her urge to merge/biological clock/"Damn, I really want a baby" instinct.) (Again, I'm not making this jazz up, promise.)

Right, so: if pupil enlargement indicates sexual interest (and it does), then a large-pupiled, long-held gaze is a very promising sign, indeed. We're flattered when possible love-objects stare into our eyes and, subsequently, rate their attractiveness even higher as a result. And the longer we hold one another's gazes, the more passionately we feel about them.

So what's the takeaway from all this?

By Emily Tan (originally posted to Flickr as The Gaze)
[CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)],
via Wikimedia Commons

Well, if you and your lover naturally make frequent eye contact and hold one another's looks for longer, rather than shorter, periods of time (in non-creepy ways), your relationship's probably in a good place. Take note, however, if any of the following are true:

• When out to dinner, you and your love-muffin would rather look at your food, around the room, or at your smart phones, rather than at one another. (More often than not.)
• Your lover blocks his eyes (whether with a hand or simply by closing them) during a conversation—this could mean he's troubled by, or frustrated with, you.
• Your significant other starts blinking, a lot, when explaining his whereabouts of an evening—folks' eyelids begin to flutter rapidly when they're nervous. (Looking away for a moment, however, is not necessarily a bad thing, as he may simply be trying to recall an exact sequence of events.)
• Your spouse squints, or narrows her eyes at you when you're giving her your whereabouts of an evening—you're either seriously stressing her out or she doesn't buy what you're trying to sell and she's pissed.

Stuff I read to research this topic (to give credit, and to reassure, in case you're still thinking I made this shizz up):

Joe Navarro, “TheBody Language of the Eyes: The Eyes Reveal What The Heart Conceals,” psychologytoday.com,December 11, 2009.

Cheryl Murphy, “Learning the Look of Love: That Sly “Come Hither” Stare,” scientificamerican.com, October 17, 2011.

Cheryl Murphy, “Learning the Look of Love: In your Eyes, the Light the Heat,” scientificamerican.com, November 1, 2011.

Cristen Conger, “Does love make your pupils dilate?” howstuffworks.com, February 12, 2012.